Monthly Archives: March 2014

Terrible bias that men suffer in divorces badly needs rectifying

Ireland voted for divorce by the tiniest of margins back in 1995, 0.7 percent to be precise. I wonder how differently that vote might have turned out if men had been able to look into a crystal ball and discover that in divorce cases involving children they would almost invariably end up as the losers?

New research based on over 1,000 judicial separation and divorce cases that appeared before the Circuit Courts over the last four years has confirmed that women almost always get custody of the children, they get to live in the family home, and the father has to pay maintenance which can sometimes push him below the poverty line.

The decision to give the mother the family home and to make the father pay maintenance rests on the first decision which grants her effective custody of the children. If she didn’t get the children, and the father did, he’d probably get to live in the family home and she might have to pay maintenance.

But in 95% of cases the children get to live with her and this is why fathers lose out in the courts again and again. Columnist John Waters has been drawing attention to this manifest injustice for years.

That figure of 95% makes one very big assumption, namely that in 95% of cases the mother will be a better parent than the father. Is that really plausible?

Based on how heavily the dice is loaded in favour of women it is no wonder they are the ones who apply fordivorce in more than 70% of cases. If a woman is unhappy in her marriage and knows she will get the children and the house and maintenance, then divorce is a much less risky proposition for her than for the husband.

In the United States and the United Kingdom it is also the case that women initiate the big majority of divorces. If she hasn’t already done so, the author of this new research, Roisin O’Shea, might look at jurisdictions where the dice is not so heavily loaded in favour of women and see how often they file for divorce in those countries compared with men.

Writing in this paper on Tuesday, Dearbhail McDonald said the research “shows we are still wedded to a very traditional definition of the family and how to deal with family issues when marriages break down”.

I suspect, however, that this is only part of the story. It is probably true to say that judges overwhelmingly believe the mother will make a better parent than the father because they are “wedded to a very traditional definition of the family”.

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Overcoming The Demise Of Your Marriage

It is funny that many people believe men make out better when going through a divorce.  We often hear something about men being stronger able to move on faster than their sensitive counterpart.  This of course is untrue.  Many men have a more difficult time when going through a divorce as they feel that as the provider and the man of the family they should have been able to fix the problems. Often time’s men give in when it comes to going through a divorce and many end up starting from square one when it is all over. What men in divorce need to realize is that it is too late to fix what was broken and now they really need to focus on not getting taken advantage of when struggling through the process of divorce. Below are some tips to help any man having a hard time processing the “right” things to do when getting a divorce.

It is common that men will get caught in a woe is me trap especially when their wife is the one who initiated the demise of their marriage.  This is one of the most important things to overcome and the sooner the better.  Yes, you need time to grieve that the happiness that you once felt is gone but you also need to realize that you will feel it again sometime soon.  Meet with a professional to talk your feelings through.  The tips that they can provide you with will help you cope and allow you the peace of mind you will need throughout the process.

It is also important that you immediately find legal representation of your own when a divorce is initiated. Men often feel a misguided sense of loyalty, especially financially.  A lot of men end up in financial ruin because of this.  When you retain a divorce attorney they will be able to help you with what is appropriate and what is too much when it comes to financial negations and obligations.  This will help to ensure that you as well end up with resources at the end of the divorce and can provide for your own needs in the same manner you are accustomed to as well.

It is important that when you meet with the attorney that you are completely honest about all the assets and liabilities that your family has.  Never try to hide assets thinking they won’t be uncovered.  This will make you look bad and it will be more difficult for the judge to look at you in an impartially manner after that.

It is also difficult for some men to be alone leading them to jump into a relationship before the divorce is even finalized.  This is something that is not recommended as well.  Don’t panic, you won’t be alone forever.  Give yourself time however to deal with the end of one relationship before adding the stress of another to your plate.  Being on your own and thinking for your self will not result in the world ending.  It may also give you a new perspective on who you are verses who you became to try to make your marriage work.

It is never easy to go through a divorce no matter if you are a man or a women.  It is difficult to realize that you’re happily ever after is over but the sooner you get on board with the tips above the better off you will be when you have discovered happiness once again.


Create Success For Yourself Throughout The Process of Divorce

In this day and age it is hard to believe that there is still a prejudice when it comes to men going through a divorce.  Men are at a clear disadvantage in the eyes of the courts, media and laws.  The fact is that women and their divorce attorney’s know this and will work every angle to ensure she is more than cared for.  It is important that as a man in divorce you find legal representation that specializes in men going through a divorce as they have experience in fighting this injustice.

Men need to create their own support system.  Women have support from every different direction and play the victim rather well throughout a divorce.  Men however are told to be strong, suck it up and move on while continuing to help and support their ex’s if needed.  If you want to be bled dry by the end of your divorce this is exactly how you will handle your situation.  Instead you really need to dive into looking after yourself and finding an attorney that is in it to win it for you.  You need to fight to keep your own head above water.  Don’t struggle to live comfortably while your ex vacations on your dime fight for yourself.

Get involved with every step in your divorce.  Along with your divorce attorney devise a plan that takes you through each phase of the divorce and create a vision that shows you prevailing.  In divorce there is no clear victim, there is no need to play that role or have it played against you.  Creating a clear plan and envisioning yourself coming out on top is one solid way to help. Have a successful strategy that you have developed with your attorney is the best approach to achieving your own happiness when the divorce is finally over.

Men often feel a mix of emotions during this period of time.  Allowing feelings of guilt, doubt and frustration to take over will make you vulnerable and weak.  If your ex-wife’s divorce attorney sees this and you aren’t armed with support and a legal team that if aimed in the direction of your best interests you could find yourself giving in to demands your ex is making that are completely unreasonable.  Having an attorney that specifically fights for men’s rights is important.  They will provide you with support throughout the entire process legally and emotionally.  Your attorney will be the one that saves you when your emotions start to take over and guilt settles in.

There is no reason at all to feel guilt or to do anything other than look out for yourself during this time.  The reasons your marriage failed are neither here nor there at this point.  What is clear is that at the end of the day you still need to be able to financially care for yourself.  You have but financial assets into your home and marriage and you deserve to share equally in the equity.  You deserve to be able to support yourself without living below the means you are accustomed to.  No matter the reason for the divorce you cannot allow yourself to be taken advantage of.  You have a responsibility to your own life at what it will be after your divorce.

Finding an attorney that is in it to represent you and your best interests will help you during the times when you feel weak.  They will be strong for you and will not allow you to mediate yourself into providing for everyone else but yourself.  It will happen, guilt will take over, for a spilt second you will give in to unreasonable demands if only so the nightmare can end and you will be thankful that you have a divorce attorney looking out for you.